Sometimes Overthinking Isn’t a Thinking Problem
Why the same situation can look completely different depending on the state we’re in
In my last article, I wrote about something that has been important in my own life: learning not to believe every thought that passes through my mind.
But there is another piece of this that I think changes the way we understand overthinking altogether.
Sometimes the problem isn’t the thought. Sometimes it’s the state we’re in when we’re having the thought.
I’ve become much more aware of this over the years. There are days when something happens and I can meet it with perspective. Someone says something slightly off, a plan changes, an email arrives that feels a little abrupt, and I think, Hmm, okay. Let’s see. There is enough space in me to wait, to be curious, perhaps even to laugh about it.
And then there are other days when almost exactly the same thing can happen and my mind is off. Why did they say that? Is something wrong? What does this mean? What should I do?
The circumstances may not be dramatically different.
But I am.
State creates story
We tend to assume that our thoughts are simply reporting reality back to us, as though there is a little objective journalist sitting inside our head telling us what is going on. But we don’t experience life independently of the state we’re in.
When I say state, I mean the state of our whole system in that moment. Are we rested or exhausted? Relaxed or on edge? Do we feel relatively safe and connected, or is something in us bracing for trouble? All of this influences not only how we feel, but also what we notice, how we interpret what happens, and the stories our minds begin to tell about it.
Imagine receiving a slightly short email after a good night’s sleep and a relaxed morning. You might read it and think, That was brief, and carry on with your day.
Receive exactly the same email after three nights of poor sleep, too much work and a difficult morning and suddenly: Why was that so short? Are they annoyed with me? Did I do something? Maybe this is because of what happened last week…
Same email. Different state. Different story.
Of course this doesn’t mean our concerns are never valid. Sometimes someone really is annoyed. Sometimes something genuinely needs our attention. But it gives us another possibility to consider:
Before I decide that the story is true, perhaps I should notice the state from which I’m telling it.
The mind may be trying to create certainty
When we’re activated, uncertainty can become particularly difficult. The mind wants to know what is happening, what something means, what we should do, how we can make sure things turn out okay.
And thinking feels useful. If I keep analysing the conversation, perhaps I’ll understand it. If I consider every possible outcome, perhaps I’ll be prepared. If I make the perfect decision, perhaps nothing painful will happen.
The mind is trying to help.
Which is why telling ourselves to stop overthinking often doesn’t work very well. Sometimes the more useful question is:
What does my system need right now?
Perhaps I don’t need another twenty minutes inside my head. Perhaps I need to stand up. Feel my feet. Walk outside. Move my body. Lengthen my exhale. Put my phone down. Talk to someone whose presence settles me. Eat something. Sleep.
None of this sounds particularly profound, and perhaps that’s partly why we overlook it.
I’ve certainly had problems that seemed enormous late at night and looked remarkably different the next morning. The problem wasn’t necessarily imaginary. But the state from which I was trying to solve it wasn’t giving me access to my clearest thinking.
Try changing the state before solving the story
So the next time you notice yourself really caught in overthinking, you could try a small experiment.
Before you solve the thing you’re thinking about, ask:
What state am I in right now?
Am I tense? Tired? Rushed? Frightened? Restless? Overstimulated?
And then:
Is there one small thing I could do that might help me settle by five percent?
Not become perfectly calm. Just five percent.
Move. Breathe. Step outside. Feel your feet. Stretch. Hum. Put the screen away for a while. Sit beside someone you love.
And then wait before returning to the problem.
Does the story look exactly the same from this slightly different state?
Maybe it does. If so, perhaps it deserves your attention.
But perhaps it doesn’t.
Perhaps something that felt urgent no longer feels quite so urgent. Perhaps another possibility becomes visible. Or perhaps you realise you simply don’t need to solve it tonight.
There can be a surprising amount of wisdom in that.
The invitation isn’t to distrust our thinking or explain everything through the nervous system. We need our minds. Sometimes we need to think something through, make a decision, have the conversation or take action.
But not every problem that appears in the mind has to be solved by the mind.
Sometimes wisdom begins by noticing the state we’re in — and tending to that first.
Stop Overthinking: Finding Calm Beneath the Noise
On Sunday, August 23rd, from 16:00–18:00 CEST, we’ll explore this together in my next live online gathering.
We’ll move through the Story, the State and the Space — exploring the stories our minds create, how our nervous system state can shape those stories, and the quieter awareness that can hold both.
Through movement, breath, nervous system practices, meditation and self-inquiry, we’ll explore what actually helps when the mind won’t stop.
The gathering is offered on a donation basis, and the recording is included for everyone who registers.
👉 Join me for Stop Overthinking: Finding Calm Beneath the Noise:
https://www.eventbrite.nl/e/stop-overthinking-finding-the-calm-beneath-the-noise-tickets-1994544785144?aff=oddtdtcreator
Esther
Stop Overthinking: Finding Calm Beneath the Noise
Sunday, August 23rd | 16:00–18:00 CEST
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We can get caught up and panicked by trying to stop our thoughts, but it's more a byproduct of sustained attention. When we treat quiet as the goal we end up fighting the mind rather than watching it. I found the shift came when I stopped trying to empty my head and just got curious about what was already there.
I was talking to a friend discussing how do I know if and when I am actually exhausted even though keep going, keep pushing through as if my energy was unlimited. In my experience my reaction to something very minor will often give a very clear clue. When the minor details gets major attention and creates equally major responses something is off, usually me. We definitely do not over think, over analyse, over (re)act from a place of balance. We will lose our cool though when we are already pushed beyond our boundaries. The trick is of course to be(come) aware of this, step back, take a breath or 25 .... As for so many situations in life awareness is key and the question is how to train our awareness. I couldn't tell you how to do that, but I do belive that once we stop being so afraid of what we might see when we take a closer look at ourself we are on our way. I belive that our actions, reactions and responses are emotionally triggered far more than we perhaps realise, we are rational beings after all, right? My "go to" is asking the question why am I triggered or reacting this way on this particular incident, rather than why is this person so annoying, this situation so difficult and so on. There is so little I can do to change the circumstances around me, but there is so much I can do about how I relate to them.